Grief

Like this dock on the lake I live on...

Many people are only hovering over the deep emotional waters that 

hold sadness, loss, loneliness, 

and

GRIEF.

Because the veneer of our lives

call for us to be put together, strong, productive, and above all...

HAPPY...

People tend to get away with not dealing with their pain.

A veneer is only a thin surface of covering,

it doesn't take much to happen in everyday life to scratch

or tear a hole in the flimsy sheen

that we portray to the world and ourselves.

Because many of us don't want to face our pain

each and everytime something happens to shred our flimsy veneer coating

we think the world has ended...

it hasn't ended...

this time is no worse than the last time

it's just that this time

if you pay attention

you can CHOOSE to dive into

the pain and confusion and decide to heal,

it does not have to define you.

 People in my life right now are dealing with some pretty difficult grief and loss.

Most likely they thought they had already dealt with it.

Once in this life did I feel the loss and grief of that loss so poignantly

that I was unable to breathe fully for months.

I was 16.

In approximately a 6 month time frame I lost

8 people, I moved to a new town, and was introduced to a new highschool.

One of those people was the love of my life,

he was my first everything,

and I thought we would

always be together.

I remember the day when I walked into the house,

it was the first day in months I felt normal,

only to have my mother call me to listen to the message a friend had left me,

the love of my life was dead, in a car accident...

I remember she said "I'm so sorry"

No one could reach me,

the air left my lungs and I swear I fought for air for years after that.

For a long time I didn't care if I lived or died.

If I wanted to I could sink down into those memories and allow them to define my life.

For a long time they did define me.  

Loss...

it was the air and the water and the earth that I saw

I believed in nothing....

I remember.

It is because of these things and more in my past that people thank me still to this day, years 

after I have worked with them.

When counseling and medication, and years of time has passed and still nothing has given them relief until the 

intimate work we do together.

I am not saying these things to brag about the clawing I did to get

myself out of the grave I dug for myself...

I am saying these things because sometimes we just need someone that has been there,

in the dark,

feeling the walls caving in around them; to guide us to a place where there is light.

The pit of depravity, pain, loss, betrayal, self indulgence is limitless.

It is a place where devils dwell,

secret whispers meant to sap us of our genius and life live there.

Great Shamans, Healers, Seers, Priests, Priestesses

walk these worlds with a type of compass.

A compass that is forged from their own souls gold

held up to the fires of their Creator.

The compass is shaped by experience, trial and error,

Pain, sadness, loss

and also

VICTORY.

You see my loves we are only as shattered as we believe ourselves to be.

There is only darkness if we accept that.

As long as there is breath left in your body you have a choice to make

decisions that serve the light within you and the light

that exists within your world.

Many people want to come to a path like Reiki, Religion, the Tao....

they want it to be a quick fix,

a way to skate over the things they have come to dread about their own lives.

The path to healing lies in all of the foul forrests of fairytales,

not in believing they exist,

but in shining light in them and understanding they were never there in the first place.

Yes it is painful when we lose someone,

whether they walk out of our life,

or whether they are plucked from existence...

and when the pain bears down upon us and forces the very air from our lungs with it's weight...

there is a moment before the next breath

that our Creator enters us,

and when we would choose to end our existence and breathe no more...

when we would beg to have the pain end...

in that moment your very Creator breathes your body for you.

You may not know it...

you may argue the point...

but I know

that through all the pain of my life...

if it had been left to me

most likely I would not be here...

That is why my Loves....

I am lucky...

 my Creator saw fit to ask me to stay,

and I did because I knew no other way.

You see

had I not been here,

had I not touched lives in just my way;

who really knows what would have happened.

YOU

can do this,

I am not better or worse,

each day

each moment

each breath 

is your opportunity

to allow

yourself to fulfill 

your own story,

to create your own jewels

to live and love

YOUR WAY.

Even through the clouds...

there is light.