Ralph

Wow I am having trouble believing that I have been silent for the last 4 months. So many things have moved in and through my life at times I felt I was not keeping up with them, and most likely I wasn't!

It is the New Year and I found myself focussed on Love this New Year, not really a specific type of love; more that no matter what trials some people endure they continue to choose love. They continue to choose kindness... compassion, and genrosity.

I wanted to share a moment in my life today with you, just to spread the incredible awareness and peace that settled into my heart center today.

I was working with my last patient of the day, lets say his name is Ralph, he is in his mid 70's. He smells of mechanic oil and dirt and it fills my nostrils... he is a hard worker I can tell by the dirt resting beneath his fingernails. He is dressed in layers of clothing today due to the chill in the air sporting a flannel shirt, jeans, with a very large old and worn belt buckle, I imagine to myself it must have been from some type of rodeo riding event in the far past of his life. His gray hair is thick and wavy curling around his face and his mustach is long, manicured just enough but not enough to look pretentious, just enough to make life easier. His voice is gravelly, evidence of years of a smoking habit. At this point I ask him if he has ever been a smoker... This moment started no differently than any other moment for me each day as I take vital signs and personal information from the clients coming into the clinic. Ralph was a kind enough man, and as always I avoid much eye contact so as not to encourage much talking because the doctors are on time schedules....

Something in the way his voice cracked and raised an octive made me want to take my eyes away from the computer screen, but I held them still allowing him to move through whatever emotion had come up for him... So often I leave rooms with patients crying after they have told me some very detailed very personal story of loss and pain... I believe the doctors may think I torture these people! As I find myself not wanting to interupt the sensitive moment Ralph has I can not help but look into his beautiful somewhat faded blue eyes, Ralph has on a baseball cap, how could I have missed the incredible blue of his eyes before. Ralph began to tell me that he stopped smoking in 2005, the same year his wife died.

He held his breath, the room filled with a sadness and a need to communicate and I allowed myself to become the person I am... I asked why he stopped smoking when his wife died. He began to tell me that she had never liked him smoking, that she loved him far too much to want him to be unhealthy. Ralph said "I didn't listen to her, I always smoked outside because it bothered her so much... but I never listened. I am sure that her life would have been much easier if I had not spent my time and money on smoking; I have often wondered why God took such a perfect woman and left me..." His words trailed off into the space between us. I remained motionless and continued to look into the eyes of this man becoming really in love with his story and with the depth of feeling it was evident this man still has for his deceased wife.

Ralph then explained that he and his wife were married for 18 years and "We never had a foul word spoken between the two of us, never. Some people just don't believe me when I say that, but it is true not one time did we ever argue, she was the most perfect woman God ever put on this planet. She wasn't so much to look at, but she was really the greatest woman ever." Ralph's voice began to crack a bit more and the tears welled up inside his eyes, "I thought it would be easier to be without her as the years have gone by, it isn't, it really isn't, I have wanted to stop missing her I just can't." Ralph smiles nervously at me as a tear rolls down his left cheek. "I must take after my mother you know, she said that I should never be afraid to cry, she said tears cleanse the soul; I think my mother was a very wise woman." I nod in agreement. I murmur something about scientific experiments with tears and that they can tell what emotion is felt by the chemical composition of the tears, Ralph says, "Well that is really interesting. You know she and I were together for 18 years, we were both married twice before, but we both thought that the third time had to be the charm!" Ralph put a little more ooooomph into the last statement and smiled widely at me. "We used to go out to the farm you know and we would pick a bushel of peas and a bushel of beans and sit together in the middle of the living room shelling them and getting them ready to eat," he paused... "You know she really was a great woman."

My heart was aching for this man I had never seen before, I wanted to offer comfort, I wanted to know that he would have peace, I wanted to know that I could one day have the kind of love that Ralph had found with his wife. I think that Ralph knew that, I think that in some way Ralph understood that I needed to hear his words as much as he needed to share them. He said to me as I finished up taking his information, "Dont you give up, don't you ever give up. Love is there and it is waiting to be found, it is there for you; it was there fore me." I stand up at this point making my way to the door and he says it again.... "Don't give up." His face is wet with tears again and without any control at all, I turn and look at him and feel my heart jump up into my throat, Choking the words out I say, "Ralph I don't think I will ever forget you, thank you." Then I leave the room.

This moment took all of about 7 minutes of my time in the day. It shook my foundation, it was a direct message to me through one of the many Angels that God has placed on the planet to remind us that we are just never alone. I find myself believing that somewhere there really is a love that time will stop and lay down for.... just like the line in the movie Practical Magic. I find myself feeling hope, feeling humble, and feeling thankful that Ralph wandered into the office on the very day that I would be working with him... and here I sit in awe because this was just a 7 minute moment I wanted to share... just so that others could bear witness not only to Ralph's suffering but even greater his incredible love.

Thank you for listening!

Depression and Reiki

I just watched the movie The Beaver. I wanted to write while it is still fresh in my mind and heart. I want to give Jodie Foster kudos, one for directing the movie and two for being one of the main characters. Mel Gibson plays a mentally ill character that Foster is married to. They have two children a teen age boy and one a gradeschool boy. Early on in the movie you realize that Gibson is a depressive (perhaps schitzophrenic as the relationship between him and the hand puppet develops), the movie actually starts with him being asked to leave their home, he finds a beaver hand puppet in a dumpster and this begins the story about the Beaver that initially appears to be a friend and a tool to Gibson to work with his depression.


The main focus of the movie is really the relationship with Gibson and the Beaver, yet the other main story line is of a woman that is willing to attempt to be non-judgmental of her husband as he tries to work his way through life. Foster continues to directly engage Gibson with questions and expectations that at some point the relationship with the Beaver will end; Gibson repeatedly explains it away or blatantly lies to Foster. Again Foster puts her foot down and leaves her husband.


There is a scene when Gibson is alone and he and the Beaver are actually at odds, there is a fight, an actually physical altercation with Gibson and the Beaver in which Gibson is physically hurt. When Gibson recovers from a black out the Beaver is there telling him that he is his only friend and that he is the only one who loves him. Gibson in the end uses a table saw to remove the Beaver puppet from his arm... by now Gibson believes the Beaver to be real and is unable to simply remove the puppet from his hand.


Foster remains true to her husband. She is in the background of the story line choosing love for her husband over the fear, shock, shame, and disappointment that are so obvious during the movie. She always chooses her and the children’s safety over Gibsons sickness, yet she never slams the door in his face. In an emergency she is there, even though the story line revolves around the mental illness in Gibson, for me it was Fosters character that seemed the most courageous. As difficult as it is for someone with a mental disorder to exist and be in the world it can be even more difficult to love a mentally ill person.


I personally have spent my life attempting to distance myself from people with mental illness. I have become angry at their inability to change, their lack of stick-to-it-ive-ness, their lack of compassion for the people they live with and claim to love, and the selfishness living with a diseased mind can portray. Yet, there is no amount of smug judgmental behavior that is any kind of a match for true chemical imbalances in the brain of those affected with mental illness. No matter how much the rest of us know, no matter how many suppliments, medication, medical treatment, energy and bodywork out there; we aren’t the ones living inside the mind that can believe a stuffed Beaver is real and must be violently detached from the body.


I have spent years walking away from people that were unbalanced. Years weighing the behavior of my family and my friends and my lovers against what is or is not healthy behavior. And I have time and again walked away feeling disappointed and empty.
My father was schitzophrenic, certainly his time in Vietnam created an even worse case scenario for him, he lived across the country from me in my young years so I never got to know him and in my judgment that was just fine with me, who needed that kind of a father anyway? I would wager to say my own mother has dealt with differing levels of depression in her life, my brother is also dealing with diagnosis that makes his life harder than I wish it was for him. My own daughter had shown signs of chemical imbalance most of her young life and as she matured these chemical imbalances became worse as puberty set in. She battles with her own mind daily and I am happy to say whether it looks like it or not she is on top of that particular battle and I am very proud of her.


Below are a few statistics regarding mental disorders. It is frightening to see how many people are truly afflicted and affected with a chemical imbalance. As I turned 40 this year I was dealing with yet another person that I cared for finally getting real about their own mental imbalance. I am hopeful that she has learned a great deal from her experience and I do wish her well on her journey. Since that time my brother who has been missing in action from my life for about 14 years has resurfaced. My mother and I are actually talking about healing our relationship instead of me keeping her at arms length. I have begun to re-assess my own part in loving these people and learning to keep love in the relationship even when it appears that mental illness is winning. It has become painfully obvious (at times) that it isn’t for me to run away from those that I love to keep myself safe from them. The people I have judged are still real and still loving me, so my lesson now is learning acceptance and love in the face of what used to frighten me.



overall U.S. 2002 cost of schizophrenia was estimated to be $62.7 billion, with $22.7 billion excess direct health care cost ($7.0 billion outpatient, $5.0 billion drugs, $2.8 billion inpatient, $8.0 billion long-term care). (source: Analysis Group, Inc.)
Today the leading theory of why people get schizophrenia is that it is a result of a
with an environmental exposures and / or stresses during pregnancy or childhood that contribute to, or trigger, the disorder. Already researchers have identified several of the key genes - that when damaged - seem to create a predisposition, or increased risk, for schizophrenia. The genes, in combination with suspected environmental factors - are believed to be the factors that result in schizophrenia
The Prevalance Rate for schizophrenia is approximately 1.1% of the population over the age of 18 (source:
) or, in other words, at any one time as many as 51 million people worldwide suffer from schizophrenia, including;
6 to 12 million people in China (a rough estimate based on the population)
4.3 to 8.7 million people in India (a rough estimate based on the population)
2.2 million people in USA
285,000 people in Australia
Over 280,000 people in Canada
Over 250,000 diagnosed cases in Britain

www.schizophrenia.com/szfacts.htm



At least 2 million people in the United States have this illness. When given proper treatment, most people with bipolar disorder can lead more stable lives.
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/bipolar_disorder/hic_bipolar_disorder.aspx


The most important thing to remember at this point is that there is no winning or losing with mental illness. It is just what it is and people who are living with the diagnosis of a mental condition are not purposefully striking out at those they love, it is actually a manifestation of the disease itself. If I can keep that one single truth in mind perhaps I will lovingly accept my family with just as much compassion as I can a stranger, because in the past I believe I have actually had way more patience and compassion for people I do not even know.


Reiki assists me in delving into ever deeper levels of finding forgiveness inside myself. I can not imagine that I would be in this place in my life willing to mend relationships with family had Reiki not found me.

Creating Space with Reiki #3

I worked as a nurse on 3rd shift at the time of my first Reiki class. I don't know if you know about 3rd shift, but it is usually the shift that creates more stress in life for people due to the daylight sleeping and mal-alignment with friends and family who work during the day and sleep at night. Your whole life turns a little backward. The night before I was to leave for my Reiki class weekend I began to feel pretty poorly during my shift and made a doctors appointment that afternoon wanting to go home and sleep before I made the trip to Tampa. I was given the diagnosis of confirmed strep throat. GREAT! I chose to drive over to Tampa anyway, I needed the credit hours for nursing continuing credit.



Interestingly one of the attitudes (stubborn-ness) I have worked to balance is the one attitude that got me to Tampa in the first place, I felt terrible. I slept and slept and woke up early Saturday morning making a plea to God, I felt even worse than I had the night before. I said into the hotel room air around me, "God if my eyes do not open 10 minutes before that class starts, I am simply going to lay in this bed and sleep until theis weekend is over." I promtly laid down and fell asleep. My eyes opened at 9:50 that morning for a class that began at 10 a.m. I went to the class, and I was miserable. I can't really imagine how I seemed to the other participants. I was grumpy and growly and felt incredibly bad. Somehow my Reiki teacher recognized that I was in need of some kid gloves, she intuitively knew that if she pressed me too hard to participate in the class or pushed for me to give verbal answers to things about myself she was going to lose me. I was the lucky one though, because I was so filled with defensiveness, rage over what had transpired in my past, and simple anger and sadness that it most likely oooozed out every single pore, and she was sensitive enough to recognize how really fragile I was at that point in my life.



At the time of this monumental Reiki class I did not believe in angels, infact I believed that they were a mass hallucination on the planet! So of-course my Reiki master talked about them, and encouraged the students that weekend to pick up an angel card and read about the angel, and I adamently refused to do so. The class went on and on with my ego making regular appearances. "This is b.s., this is impossible, you already know about this, these people have no idea what they are doing, that teacher lady is wierd." If a judgement could be had I was having it, along with feeling badly, it made for a rather uncomfortable day. I couldn't wait for the class to end and get back to that bed in my hotel room, but first we had to become initiated into the healing system by attunements. GREAT! I not only was over being there with complete strangers, now someone had to touch me too. As my mind was wrapping itself around each concept that was being shared, my ego stalked the concepts like a rabid beast looking for anyway to break down the truth into a lie, I felt a bit like a ping pong ball. Little pings and pongs of truth were making it down inside the angry facade that I had unknowingly created to protect myself. I had gone from anger and disbelief to fear and hope, an emotion that I was really uncomfortable with.




We were given instructions on how to prepare for our attunement process. We sat serenely with our hands folded into prayer positions and I silently waited, okay; not absolutely silently because that rabid ego of mine was screaming RUN! At the time I felt so much fear I was shaking. I don't remember which moment it was that Spirit took over the process, but it happened. Because of the years of meditation I had previously studied, it was pretty easy for me to get into an altered state of awareness, my body seems to lock down and then at times I had been given to visions and information from the Spirit around me. At the touch of my Reiki teacher my body was in the lock down phase, ego screaming RUN!, and electric light shows and visions flitting across the surface of my mind. There I sat wondering and waiting, the visions became vivid and subtly the most gigantic angel I have EVER come across came into my field of vision, he seemed to be bigger than the building! The golden robes were all I could see and at the same time I was completely aware of the entire angel's being and the words and healing that were being poured into my heart and mind. Tears came, emotions flowed, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I wrote as my teacher had suggested after the attunement. I felt bigger somehow, expanded, and I almost ran not walked to the basket holding the angel cards, the angel I pulled was Raziel, and for me it meant an awful lot at the time. By the end of the weekend my strep throat was completely gone, my Reiki teacher had shown me kindness and compassion, I learned that I had not been the only person hurt by an egotistical spiritual teacher that abused their position and wielded pain and suffereing. Most of all though, I heard the sound of Spirit begin to stir within my heart and that was just like coming home.



It is interesting how through challenge and contrast many of us find our ways back into the innocence we were born with. It was through the contrast of my egoic experience, my pain, my drama that I could see how differently things could be and how I could strive to be a story of success and courage rather than yet another person in the ranks of the abused on the planet that had fallen into the cracks and stayed there. Reiki comes to the heart of humanity in an individual and special way. It whispers of hope and peace and reminds us through the 5 Reiki principles that there is indeed another way. Reiki and the practice of it's ideals in our lives opens up and encourages the use of intention in our daily lives. Of course it is a choice, how, when, where, and why we use Reiki is as individual and numerous as there are living beings on this planet and beyond this planet; yet it comes. Sometimes it finds us and shakes up our lives so loudly we are deaf after all of the shaking and rearrangement. Sometimes Reiki whispers to those of us willing to search and be silent enough to hear. Sometimes Reiki comes like cool and soothing spring water, washing the dust our own boots have kicked up, right out of our eyes leaving clarity and a sense of direction. However Reiki comes, it creates space in the mind and the heart for the budding of a new seed of hope. I wonder... how will Reiki bloom within you?