Sunday, February 16, 2014

PTSD and I thought I was over that crap!

 The past few days I'm being challenged.
It's not as though I said come n get me I am ready for you!
It's not really as though I had any consciousness at all
about myself and what lurks in my subconscious mind.
This girl
 I really really love her.
I have spent years giving only so much to the lovers in my life.
Never fully committing,
never fully trusting, never fully believing.
But How was I to know that last year I would meet
the love of my life?
How was I to know that this beautiful girl would challenge
the things that I had forgotten about that are now screaming for healing?
I've had PTSD for most of my life... 
I didn't understand that until I was a grown woman.
Never the less, it is something that although I have worked through anxiety and panic for years
due to that diagnosis... it is rearing it's ugly head.
And UGLY it is.

I have been hiding.
Secrets were a large part of my life growing up.
Secrets make me very uncomfortable.
Right now I am very uncomfortable, and it is because the things that trigger me
have reared their ugly head.
And I'm just about the luckiest girl in the world because this wonderful lady that has entered into
the center of my heart has shown me understanding and encouragement
and has given me the space to feel what I have to feel and to move through it at my own pace.
It's the thing I would encourage anyone in the same position to do.
My lovely partner has gone off to attend a cruise.
I think this is great in theory.
The unconscious of me isn't so certain.
It brings up abandonment, fear, pain, and more fear.
I can wake up in the morning and feel as though I'm being left alone and
I'll never see her again.
There is no reason for me to feel that way, nothing has occurred...
But I'm grumpy, stand offish, and feeling alone.
So one of my triggers is when the people I love go away from me.
Not because I dont trust them, not because they are getting to do something I'm not, not because I believe somehow I should be in a different place.
Honestly, there is no thought, there is just this feeling.
This feeling that everything I love will be taken from me.
It makes me breathless, anxious, sleepless, and confused.
I dislike feeling out of control.
I work to not feel embarrassed because I feel out of control with these feelings.
These are my issues. These are the secrets I keep from myself,
I'm not always so great at keeping it from my loved ones.
I am the one that my family comes to when they need help.
I am the one my friends come to when they need help.
I have played things so close to the vest for so many years I dont always know when it is me that needs the help.
The other morning I had to admit to my fiance that
I was in the midst of emotional turmoil because of PTSD.
I felt ashamed and lost because I couldn't make it stop.
In that moment I was told that everything would be ok, that I was loved,
and that it would pass.
All of those things are true, and yet those out of control feelings
seem to sneak up on me when I least expect it.
All I can hope is that there are enough art projects to last me this next week,
that my love and my friends have patience and compassion for my 
moments when I forget that I am ok.
what I expect of myself is to keep up with my daily Reiki,
to take the walks that I yearn for,
to smile when I can smile and to cry if I need to cry.
To give myself compassion for having weak parts of me that still need healing even
after all of this time.
I just want to say Thank You to my lovely partner and to my friends.
Thank you to my life,
and thank you to God.
These are the things that help me remember that it's always
worth putting on foot in front of the other.