Wednesday, May 22, 2013

What if you were about to get everything you ever wanted?

What if you were about to get everything you ever wanted?
How would you live your life every day?

I'm about to get everything I have ever wanted.
Nope it isn't a million dollars... it's worth more than that.
It's not a mansion, it has way more space than that, and the view of my life is 
quite a bit more spectacular than any silly mansion view.
It's not a new convertable sports car...
I know they are fun to drive
but driving my Soul is far more fun for me.
It isn't piles of jewels,
eating at expensive resturants,
nor is it traveling to places all over the globe...
although that may actually be in 
the cards.

I am about to get everything I have ever wanted because
I already have it!
I know it sounds insane but I realized it just this morning.

My children have grown into incredible people and they are
maneuvering through their lives learning to be better people... 
that indeed is all I have ever wanted for them.
I already have a supportive spiritual community,
a community that has continued to embrace me even though I moved over an hour away.
I am stepping back into my spiritual studies which gladdens my heart
in a way nothing else can...
through those studies I become so much closer to our creator within my heart.
I have indeed found that people I thought were my friends
have slipped away, creating a clean slate for 
me to renew and deepen my resolve to surround myself with people of high moral fiber
and quality.

I will be working again with a group of people that I just love.
I am honored to be welcomed back into that family of people, and feel
truly blessed to share that space with them again.
I had to leave the St Cloud area to heal and learn,
and to realize that my life and the people I care most about are easily accessible to me more near Orlando.
It is time to be with the people that love, adore, and support me.
My grandson is born, what more can be said there except I will be 
much closer to him and his mom and dad and I will see him more often.

Last but certainly not least.

I have yearned for a love that time would lie down and lay still for...
my entire life this is the one thing I have wanted.
When I was younger I believed that somehow all sadness would be fixed by finding that
one person I was MEANT to be with.
My life path number is 6... for those of you that don't know exactly what that means
it is a numerology way of finding out the theme of your life.
Mine fits me to a T!

Life path number 6 is the path of the caretaker.
It's the path of the stay at  home mom and the cook and the lover of
other people's happiness.
It is also the path of lessons and decision making and learning that there are indeed limits
to what one person could or should do.
It is the path of the people pleaser... an out of balance people pleaser will end up sickly...
and here I am
dealing with fibromyalgia flare ups.

The good news:
I have been given a love that time will indeed lie down and stand still for...
not in the literal terms of standing truly still,
but more in the terms that the internal landscape of my
heart finally feels free to see the views of love that fill every cell of my body,
erupts into my mind dragging down the unkind words and concepts that took root
and grew into cancers that broke down my own self worth
for so many years.
I have spent many years hacking my way free of the briars of judgements
passed on by well meaning people who said they loved me.
The mansion of my heart has expanded with vaulted ceilings,
gorgeous hard wood floors and staircases that shine.
Sunlight that glistens and sparkles on every surface.

The freedom to express one's self and to be loving must be one of the greatest
gifts ever.
The love that has entered my life is not perfect, 
no thing really ever is.
It's honestly the spirit of trying and trying again that made me realize that
I do indeed have everything I have ever wanted.
I have been told I dont have to work... but I choose to.
I have been told to do what makes me happy... I do choose this 
I also choose her happiness as well.
I have been told I am the one.
I believe that to be true, not because of predetermination
(although that may have something to do with it)
but because I choose to be the one each day.
The real fairytale
it's not in thinking someone is going to fix whats wrong or fill up some kind of hole within us.

The real fairytale is recognizing that someone of quality has chosen you
to make mistakes with, to share grief with, to
be broken with, to be vulnerable with.
The beauty and happiness and everything going well stuff is the bonus of
the relationships in our lives.
when someone trusts you enough to tell you their fears,
to admit things to you that they have never ever felt before,
to spend special secret moments so dialed in
to you and your happiness and what you need,
to be willing to give to you more than they give to themselves even if only sometimes,
when someone does not agree with your decision but holds
you as you make it and vows love and support anyway,
to support your spiritual choices and views and not understand them even if it may scare them,
for someone to admit they dont understand but are earnest about being willing to try ...

My God!
 that is the love time will lie down and stay still for.
Because my heart will always beat brighter,
stronger, fueled with more fire, love, and passion for my life
and the life I am now sharing with my partner.
Willingness is the key,
if we are at least willing then anything can be solved.
All this time,
I didn't recognize...
I already have everything I have ever wanted.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Girl scout rule

This is Amos he lives at pather ridge here in florida and I can't wait to meet him.
This pic really has nothing to do with my post tonight,
I just think he is a sexy guy!

Tonight I'm going to be short and sweet.

There is a rule in the Girl Scouts that I have always found to be important.
It goes along with the golden rule for me, 
you know;
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
The girl scouts say to leave a space 
cleaner and better than when you found it.
this includes actual buildings and nature.

I love that concept.
To care whether someone else does or not.
When I was younger I really didn't understand that concept.
Now though,
through my path of spirituality and my
practice of Reiki and the 5 principles
I really understand the deep understanding of leaving a thing to the best of your
ability better than when you found it.
This means relationships too.
Too many people use their painful past as a reason to treat others 
in an unkind fashion.
I have come a very long way from the immature girl that used a 
sharp tongue and fists to communicate my displeasure with perceived enemies.

One of the greatest gifts of a daily Reiki practice is to
reach deep inside and make a choice to leave
someone's heart better than you found it.
To me this means my family, friends, and fellow humans.
Each time I feel the need to get angry or begin to feel frustrated
I do my best to find the place within me that can honor the other person.
Because by honoring the other person I am really
honoring myself.

It doesn't mean that I choose to be hurt or abused.
It just means that I am committed to turning the other cheek
and asking for healing for myself and the person in question.

I truly believe that God is watching in one form or another.
At the end of my life I want to be able to 
sit with God and anyone else near by and feel proud of the decisions I made
when it comes to the treatment of life.
Nature, animals, humans... 
everything really.

Did I choose to honor life as often as possible?
Did I choose to find compassion when I could?
Did I remember to see myself in that person and choose a different way to perceive my world?
Did I choose to honor the creator of everything even when someone
else might be acting in an unkind way toward me???

If I never learned anything else in my life perhaps for me this is the most
incredible spiritual lesson of all.
Feeling challenged to do the right thing even in the face of those who do not.
Which way do I choose?
How do I honor peace within my heart and support peace within the world???
How have I honored my own learning by my actions?

Just for today ...
I will not anger
I will not worry
I will do my job honestly
I will be thankful for my many blessings
I will be kind to all living things....

Usui Sensei did not add
when I feel like it, only when I am not tired, only when other people are nice to me...
it isn't a sometimes thing
it's an everyday all the time thing...
and it is a reminder that I am certainly not perfect!!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Letting go

 One thing I have always used this blog for is to use my own personal
experiences to illustrate how to use Reiki and other techniques during challenging times.
That sweet puppy is Elijah.

Eli was a fantastic wonderful boy who I enjoyed very very much.
Eli was also ill and recently he went to doggy heaven,
I still catch myself trying to get home to let him out,
then I realize he is with God.
I know he is also with me.
 A very important pattern in my life is my ability to again and again make some really
tough decisions, to let go of people that are unable to  be
a positive influence in my life.

Setting boundaries for loved ones is not simple, it is not always cut and dry, and it is
truly the most incredible lesson in intimate self care that I have really ever experienced.
We all have loved and lost.

We have lived and even felt as though with the loss of loved ones that we have died a little.
Loss is one of the most meaningful character building experiences that a person can have.
We can be dragged down under the weight of it and drown in the pain,
or we can somehow make a choice to find a speck of light and focus on it.

Recently I began to feel shame regarding the many experiences I have had in my life that have 
ended in loss, loss of innocence, loss of identity, loss of strength, and due to some of those experiences
such confusion that I was really unable to understand or feel that I had the ability to choose.
I was a good girl and did what I was told, believed what I was told, and never questioned if I should listen.
I have not felt shame about my past in years.  
I have come to understandings that have led me to understand why some people do suffer life experiences
such as I have had,
and how successfully moving through them creates love, patience, and understanding for those
who have had similar experiences.
 I am completely humbled by the gift the Elijah has given me to once again
face reality and to choose the best and highest good for him and for me.
To feel certain it was the right thing to do.
Some people can not accept that somethings must be done,
some people would make different decisions,
that is OK too.
This short life Eli shared with me taught me so much about love and acceptance.
His departure from this dimension caused me to search for even deeper faith,
challenged my faith,
and allowed me to feel deep and hidden shame for the parts of my past that are yet unhealed.

How does this have anything to do with Reiki?
Again... for me everything has to do with Reiki.

With judgement, especially judgement from loved ones can come pain.
The confusing thing is that we make an error and think that the loved one is trying to hurt us.
Often we stay confused and hurt about it and never look deeper.
I have been practicing and learning from Reiki for 13 years now.
I have learned through daily application,
through persistence,
through self challenge that rarely is the surface thought the real issue.
Through allowing Eli to rest and through 
releasing people from my life and inviting others in
the past 3 months have really cut deeply into the other layers of
my psyche that were not ready to heal.

What I now know is that living the way someone else thinks I should is an error.
I have learned that the pattern of being a good girl still exists within me and deserves some healing attention.
I have learned that other people don't have to understand me, it's not a requirement.
I am re-learning that judgement is a form of abuse and I do not have to tolerate it in my life.
I have awakened to my own power... not as a mother, or a friend, or a lover
but simply as a human.
I have re-committed myself to Reiki, teaching, and learning.
I have re-committed to myself before anyone or anything else.
This is a fundamental and precious honor I do myself.
Reiki functions as the back bone and as the laser scalpel that slices deeply
into the very things that must be healed to be whole and to 
serve myself and my community.

It is with this deepest work that I truly honor
my partner,
my children,
my grandchildren,
my mother,
my ancestors,
my family,
my friends,
my loved ones in Spirit.
Being broken is the easy part,
finding courage to stand up to all the ghosts that made you feel broken
that's the true meaning of
Wholeness, strength, and fortitude.