Wednesday, May 22, 2013

What if you were about to get everything you ever wanted?

What if you were about to get everything you ever wanted?
How would you live your life every day?

I'm about to get everything I have ever wanted.
Nope it isn't a million dollars... it's worth more than that.
It's not a mansion, it has way more space than that, and the view of my life is 
quite a bit more spectacular than any silly mansion view.
It's not a new convertable sports car...
I know they are fun to drive
but driving my Soul is far more fun for me.
It isn't piles of jewels,
eating at expensive resturants,
nor is it traveling to places all over the globe...
although that may actually be in 
the cards.

I am about to get everything I have ever wanted because
I already have it!
I know it sounds insane but I realized it just this morning.

My children have grown into incredible people and they are
maneuvering through their lives learning to be better people... 
that indeed is all I have ever wanted for them.
I already have a supportive spiritual community,
a community that has continued to embrace me even though I moved over an hour away.
I am stepping back into my spiritual studies which gladdens my heart
in a way nothing else can...
through those studies I become so much closer to our creator within my heart.
I have indeed found that people I thought were my friends
have slipped away, creating a clean slate for 
me to renew and deepen my resolve to surround myself with people of high moral fiber
and quality.

I will be working again with a group of people that I just love.
I am honored to be welcomed back into that family of people, and feel
truly blessed to share that space with them again.
I had to leave the St Cloud area to heal and learn,
and to realize that my life and the people I care most about are easily accessible to me more near Orlando.
It is time to be with the people that love, adore, and support me.
My grandson is born, what more can be said there except I will be 
much closer to him and his mom and dad and I will see him more often.

Last but certainly not least.

I have yearned for a love that time would lie down and lay still for...
my entire life this is the one thing I have wanted.
When I was younger I believed that somehow all sadness would be fixed by finding that
one person I was MEANT to be with.
My life path number is 6... for those of you that don't know exactly what that means
it is a numerology way of finding out the theme of your life.
Mine fits me to a T!

Life path number 6 is the path of the caretaker.
It's the path of the stay at  home mom and the cook and the lover of
other people's happiness.
It is also the path of lessons and decision making and learning that there are indeed limits
to what one person could or should do.
It is the path of the people pleaser... an out of balance people pleaser will end up sickly...
and here I am
dealing with fibromyalgia flare ups.

The good news:
I have been given a love that time will indeed lie down and stand still for...
not in the literal terms of standing truly still,
but more in the terms that the internal landscape of my
heart finally feels free to see the views of love that fill every cell of my body,
erupts into my mind dragging down the unkind words and concepts that took root
and grew into cancers that broke down my own self worth
for so many years.
I have spent many years hacking my way free of the briars of judgements
passed on by well meaning people who said they loved me.
The mansion of my heart has expanded with vaulted ceilings,
gorgeous hard wood floors and staircases that shine.
Sunlight that glistens and sparkles on every surface.

The freedom to express one's self and to be loving must be one of the greatest
gifts ever.
The love that has entered my life is not perfect, 
no thing really ever is.
It's honestly the spirit of trying and trying again that made me realize that
I do indeed have everything I have ever wanted.
I have been told I dont have to work... but I choose to.
I have been told to do what makes me happy... I do choose this 
I also choose her happiness as well.
I have been told I am the one.
I believe that to be true, not because of predetermination
(although that may have something to do with it)
but because I choose to be the one each day.
The real fairytale
it's not in thinking someone is going to fix whats wrong or fill up some kind of hole within us.

The real fairytale is recognizing that someone of quality has chosen you
to make mistakes with, to share grief with, to
be broken with, to be vulnerable with.
The beauty and happiness and everything going well stuff is the bonus of
the relationships in our lives.
when someone trusts you enough to tell you their fears,
to admit things to you that they have never ever felt before,
to spend special secret moments so dialed in
to you and your happiness and what you need,
to be willing to give to you more than they give to themselves even if only sometimes,
when someone does not agree with your decision but holds
you as you make it and vows love and support anyway,
to support your spiritual choices and views and not understand them even if it may scare them,
for someone to admit they dont understand but are earnest about being willing to try ...

My God!
 that is the love time will lie down and stay still for.
Because my heart will always beat brighter,
stronger, fueled with more fire, love, and passion for my life
and the life I am now sharing with my partner.
Willingness is the key,
if we are at least willing then anything can be solved.
All this time,
I didn't recognize...
I already have everything I have ever wanted.

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