Monday, October 26, 2009

Reiki, loss, healing

The call came at 8:30 on a Tuesday night as I was en route to pick up one of my daughters from school. My other child had just attempted suicide and for all I knew she had succeeded. There was no thought in my mind for a moment, as I picked up my cell phone to dial a friend to go and check on her. It was erie really, not knowing if her last breath had been taken, not knowing if I would ever see her again; yet strangely as I drove my car to pick up my daughter, I felt calm. Knowing I could not be in two places at one time I surrendered her to God and to the highest and best good as I waited to pick up my child and head to the hospital.

There were few moments of panic or confusion, there was simply a profound quiet within me, I remember being impatient to reach the hospital; yet I continued to breathe... I continued to just notice that I had not become hysterical and I really was waiting for the time that I would breakdown, become crazy, grieve, be angry, scream, or even cry, but that time never came. I kept expecting myself to bring Reiki to the table... to be the Reiki Master and take over the energy of the space uplifting and transmuting all of it. Instead I just waited, watched, and kept breathing.

The nurses and hospital techs came in to check on my daughter who was suffering from an over dose of common house hold medications. Tylenol, midol, benadryl, ibuprofen... Hours passed and I felt the pull of my older daughter who had chosen to leave the hospital, yet I stayed waiting, for word on my youngest daughter's condition and what was happening to her internal organs. That time finally came and I was told that they would have to admit her because her toxic levels were too high.

She spent 40 more hours on the antidote for tylenol. That was the time I broke down, the only time that the tear really broke the surface that first night. When it was clear that she had truly damaged herself, I felt the fear of the possibilities of organ damage and a lifetime of treatments. This time her act almost extinguished her beautiful life. I still wondered about Reiki, offering it to her, to the hospital, to the staff... yet I just sat there watching her vomit over and over and over again. After 2 1/2 hours of vomiting, at 3 in the morning I left, I knew she was in good hands and I needed some rest.

Mothers can be fierce when their children are in danger. Fierce when someone or something attemtps to come between them and their children, and here I was understanding that there is no fighting that I could do to take away the kind of inner pain that someone must feel to attempt to take their own lives. How could I protect her from herself?

Where was my Reiki? Why wasn't I actively using this wonderful tool that I have come to rely on so deeply?

I have realized through this opportunity for growth, that it was my daily Reiki practice that I have honed over the years, that had stored enough energy to move me through this process. I realized that through a daily practice of Reiki I had learned to allow and to truly submit to what was happening around me. I could surrender to the thought of the loss of my child and also to the possibility that she would choose to stay here on this planet and choose to heal. I let go of my expectations and gave over to her process, her pain, and her desire for wanting better for herself. After all, she was the only one that could make a difference for her.

Reiki was not really far from me that night... it was within me, strengthening me, and helping me to allow others to assist me in my process, so I was available to be there for my daughter. Some people were just there for me, helping me remember to eat, offering a shoulder if I needed it and I am thankful for that.

Growth is not always a beautiful simple process, sometimes true growth and forging of your soul is done when the fires are at their hottest.

In a beautiful way Reiki assisted me in finding the higher aspects of such a stressful and turbid situation. I am ever thankful for all of you, Reiki, and my life!

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