Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Hermit

The archetype of the Hermit has been with me since I was very young.

Perhaps it was the distance that was created by a mother that was not completely whole. Perhaps it was the underlying expectation of perfection and constant striving to prove she was better than those around her, simply because she felt so lost within... so utterly useless and meaningless. Perhaps her own upbringing with a distant mother and alcoholic father created the holes within her that she strived to fill with the appearance of being perfect... of having it all. Finally, when my mother really met her children and realized there was an individuation process that didn't really fit into her idea of how life should "look", her idea that children should be seen and not heard and always do what she wanted them to, perhaps it was that moment that the Hermit came to me.

It was in my very formative years that I understood that my comfort and safety did not come from my own mother... that I had to look elsewhere... it began the lifetime lesson of lacking trust in those people outside myself. Very young I retreated within myself to a world filled with psychic abilities, the realm of the Fey, to a world that illustrated what was unseen was more real and evident to me than what words fell from the lips of mere mortals, or what i could see with my own two eyes.

As my life unfolded I kept my own counsel. Yet I also wanted so badly to be loved that I put myself in many dangerous situations. I never felt that I was worthy of this world. I felt different, broken, and wrong. I spent time alone... even when I surrounded myself with other people. I had become so adept at reading the energies around others and being what they wanted me to be, that I never had to feel as though they could see my pain and lack of worth, I learned to be a safe and strong place for the people that I loved. Knowing for them that they were completely worth the time and energy I was spending... knowing that they deserved to feel whole and safe, yet somehow I never felt met... all my hoping and knowing took a back seat to their own lack of ability to step beyond their boundaries and pain. The Hermit has always whispered in my ear... keeping to myself... keeping my own counsel... taking time away from the world to stop the feeling of rawness that being with other people had seemed to cause me to feel.

The shadow principles of the Hermit are to hide and be anti-social just to keep you safe.
As I have grown through my years... I have come to the precipice of learning my worth many times. Coming to the logical reasons that I "should" love myself, the Hermit is the part of my archetypel community that I take solace in. Giving myself time to hear my own thoughts... and I honor this. Also, I have had the great and wonderful opportunity to embrace a beautiful community of friends that have become a much kinder mirror than the keeping of my own counsel can be at times.
Even so I found myself waking up in the throes of feelings of fear this morning. Fear of my individuality, fear of my spirituality, fear that my talents are wasted working a 9-5 job.... fear of everything that is and is not happening in my life right now. I had a moment of such pristine reality when I began to dutifully question myself about the voices screaming at me of my incompetance, that my breath held still within and without me. It was a moment of clarity unlike any I have had in quite awhile... and in the yawning chasm of fear that threatened to swallow me up whole, I realized that I am still finding a way to love and accept myself. Layer by layer.
All these years of knowing the worth of strangers, clients, family, and co-workers; I am still uncovering my own worth layer by layer. As I continuously dismantle archaic thought patterns and behaviors that have long ago ceased to be important to anyone but my own ego, I have thought that I am oh so much further along than I had been. The Hermit was there, enticing me into that safe place hidden behind a waterfall of healing waters. To the safe cave within me that gives me rest and serenity... the one place where my thoughts, emotions, and spirit can rest... the place where eternal truth dwells because I am silent enough, still enough, sacred enough to become available to my own connection with divinity.

The hermit archetype has been my friend, my mentor and my security for many years and I honor that archetype for it's shadow self and for it's brilliant shining light. I honor the silence that The Hermit reminds me to take within myself to become centered and clear in my experience of life and divinity. I honor the knowledge and energy of this archetype within my life. I also honor the moment when the Hermit backs away from me encouraging me to feel the sun on my face again and experience life with more zeal and acceptance than ever before.
Each journey into the sacred cave brings more beauty and awareness and a greater yearning to become that which I so readily see in others. To recognize and feel the eternal light that shines within my own soul... that is my journey today... tomorrow.... on and on... eternal.

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