PTSD and I thought I was over that crap!

 The past few days I'm being challenged.

It's not as though I said come n get me I am ready for you!

It's not really as though I had any consciousness at all

about myself and what lurks in my subconscious mind.

This girl

 I really really love her.

I have spent years giving only so much to the lovers in my life.

Never fully committing,

never fully trusting, never fully believing.

But How was I to know that last year I would meet

the love of my life?

How was I to know that this beautiful girl would challenge

the things that I had forgotten about that are now screaming for healing?

I've had PTSD for most of my life... 

I didn't understand that until I was a grown woman.

Never the less, it is something that although I have worked through anxiety and panic for years

due to that diagnosis... it is rearing it's ugly head.

And UGLY it is.

I have been hiding.

Secrets were a large part of my life growing up.

Secrets make me very uncomfortable.

Right now I am very uncomfortable, and it is because the things that trigger me

have reared their ugly head.

And I'm just about the luckiest girl in the world because this wonderful lady that has entered into

the center of my heart has shown me understanding and encouragement

and has given me the space to feel what I have to feel and to move through it at my own pace.

It's the thing I would encourage anyone in the same position to do.

My lovely partner has gone off to attend a cruise.

I think this is great in theory.

The unconscious of me isn't so certain.

It brings up abandonment, fear, pain, and more fear.

AND IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I can wake up in the morning and feel as though I'm being left alone and

I'll never see her again.

There is no reason for me to feel that way, nothing has occurred...

But I'm grumpy, stand offish, and feeling alone.

So one of my triggers is when the people I love go away from me.

Not because I dont trust them, not because they are getting to do something I'm not, not because I believe somehow I should be in a different place.

Honestly, there is no thought, there is just this feeling.

This feeling that everything I love will be taken from me.

It makes me breathless, anxious, sleepless, and confused.

I dislike feeling out of control.

I work to not feel embarrassed because I feel out of control with these feelings.

These are my issues. These are the secrets I keep from myself,

I'm not always so great at keeping it from my loved ones.

I am the one that my family comes to when they need help.

I am the one my friends come to when they need help.

I have played things so close to the vest for so many years I dont always know when it is me that needs the help.

The other morning I had to admit to my fiance that

I was in the midst of emotional turmoil because of PTSD.

I felt ashamed and lost because I couldn't make it stop.

In that moment I was told that everything would be ok, that I was loved,

and that it would pass.

All of those things are true, and yet those out of control feelings

seem to sneak up on me when I least expect it.

All I can hope is that there are enough art projects to last me this next week,

that my love and my friends have patience and compassion for my 

moments when I forget that I am ok.

AND 

what I expect of myself is to keep up with my daily Reiki,

to take the walks that I yearn for,

to smile when I can smile and to cry if I need to cry.

To give myself compassion for having weak parts of me that still need healing even

after all of this time.

I just want to say Thank You to my lovely partner and to my friends.

Thank you to my life,

and thank you to God.

These are the things that help me remember that it's always

worth putting on foot in front of the other.

Stop! Don't move!

I've been gifted with a couple days to spend with a friend.

It's amazing how being away from your normal environment

can make things feel more clear.

I have never been very good at making sure that

I am balanced with healing, working, cleaning, and relationships.
That is why I am such a planner.
Plus I need to plan things into my life to look forward to.

Opening my eyes this morning was a pleasure.
There was no where to go and nothing to do...
A sentence I often have used with my hypnosis clients. 
The reality for someone like me is that I
do need quiet solitude to get my thoughts
together and to claim the center of myself.

Always being in action and "doing" something is not
a completely healthy way to be for me.
Some people can not function in silence and stillness,
they just have to move and have to be doing something.

That is not the kind of girl I am.
For me to be healthy I need ample recharge time.

I spent 30 minutes this morning doing my self Reiki in utter silence.
I love that my heart center opened up wide and
just drank in the energy.
I also know that my friends will have breakfast ready at some point
and coffee that will taste spectacular.
The incredible thing about being able
to have time in a quiet space like this is how much insight
it gives me into my friends and their relationship with
eachother and with me.


It also gives me space around my head.
I know that sounds silly but empathic people have a habit
of hearing the thoughts and feelings of those closest
to them. 
So the actual air feels loud. 
It can also feel thick.
And it can feel confusing because the mistake can be made
that everything we feel is our own feeling.

So going away is like a re-boot to the system.
It puts things in perspective and
I get to hang out with some pretty incredible people.

I guess this is my way of saying
hey everyone slow down.
When you have a chance, stop creating things
to keep you busy.
Stop moving so much and be quiet.
Be slow and be deliberate.

Recently there was a murder of someone that
was a part of the Qi Gong foundation that I love
so much.  Someone put together a tribute video to her
life.
Every photo was a reminder of her vibrance and her
dedication to her family and the people she worked with.
She really was beautiful inside and out.
Her life was taken at the tender age of 34.
The point is...
Stopping to smell the roses and enjoy them is
the only way to really get something out of my life.
Time to purposely plan some rest breaks in my life.
If I dont take care of me that way
I probably wont be much fun to be around!

When a heart breaks and lessons are learned

 It is always interesting to me the way we learn things in life.  Some of the most powerful messages are the ones that hurt so terribly.

This is Jada, I was very happy to rescue her.  She had an incredibly sweet energy about her and my hopes were to bring that energy out in her through PTSD training.  While she resided here with us I learned some things about myself that I didn't really know.

I prefer Pit bulls to all other breeds.  

They are survivors.

They have a gameness about them that most people mistakenly think is aggression.

Gameness is just a term for a self confident dog.

Because of my fibromyalgia a pit is a good choice for me, they need exercise and they are sturdy so if If I fell I knew I wouldn't break her.  

Also larger dogs can help people get up from falls if they happen and 

give a feeling of safety that I didn't know I was missing until working with her.

The energy and need for exercise helped to get me up and moving each day, it was like having a partner that didn't judge the pain or the slow motion or slow brain,

just a patient partner meeting me wherever I was whatever day it was.

Jada had energy but she also was a bit on the lazy side. 

She liked to play and she liked to cuddle, 

and she loved playing with other dogs.

It was amazing to watch her joy in using her body and she tussled and ran with other dogs in the dog park.

It was incredibly satisfying to work with her and watch her win again and again

as she started to let go of her fear of noises, brooms, and hands being raised over her head,

yup she is a survivor!

The thing I loved about Jada was her incredible awareness of energy.

Dogs understand energy.

People make the mistake of treating dogs like humans,

dogs don't think like humans so most accidents with dogs are 

human error, which is sad; yet even sadder in a breed like a pit because then the breed is blamed

and they are tagged as dangerous dogs when really they are operating

from the mentality of dog thinking which is pack mentality.

My nephew and I recently had a small chat on facebook regarding 

Breed specific legislation. 

Being a Reiki practitioner in the state of Florida

Reiki is governed under the massage board.

This happened due to people mismanaging and abusing the term Reiki, so to

protect the mass public it became a regulated modality.

Some people agree with this and some people don't.

I understand why it happened.

People were hurt.

BSL for American Pit Bulls

is a hard topic for pit bull lovers.

No one wants to be told that their beloved animal is not welcome in their city and or state.

Yet no one wants these animals victim to the dog fighting

rings of unscrupulous people either.

Its a sore topic.

What I do know is that people that do not understand gameness, pack energy, and that are lazy dog owners should never ever think to own a pit bull.

Pits require responsible, active, loving, and breed specific understanding owners.

The ingredients then for a terrible accident happened when I was out of town.

Jada had been spayed 4 days prior so her hormones were out of control.

I had lined up a behaviorist to come in and view the behaviors of the other two dogs

with Jada because I was witnessing some unbalanced behavior in all three dogs that was really starting to surface when I started her training and the training of the other two as I was working with her.

The first human error was absolutely that I left her at the house

instead of taking her with me.

My gut wanted her to go visiting my friend with me,

but due to their dogs I didn't want her to hurt her operation site, they would have played hard.

I thought I was protecting her.

Tragedy struck late that night when indeed one of the behaviors

I was concerned about caused Jada to "protect" her space.

Another dog was hurt badly and in all honesty is lucky to be alive.

There were many things that went into the perfect recipe for disaster and it

still makes me sick to think about it.

The reality is that this was a tragic accident, but I had to return 

Jada to the rescue that I got her from.

I almost couldn't do it,

I had become so attached to her.

The reality is that Jada isn't to blame any more than the hurt dog.

When humans make decisions sometimes those decisions just aren't the right ones.

We can't Blame the dogs, or the breeds, nor can we blame eachother for a terrible accident.

The hardest part is that the behaviorist was coming only 4 days later,

just 4 little days.

Tragedy.

My point in sharing this is that I learned that

I absolutely function far better with a doggy friend that is of the larger

variety.  Whether that is because they are able to hold more energy

or because of my past of being abused I am not sure.

I believe in fate and I believe that everything

happens for a reason.

I know for a fact that Jada is not dangerous, if she was both smaller dogs here would

have been attacked.

I have really done the work to release the sadness here, sometimes it

grips my heart and I think I wont breathe again,

but all in all I am ok.

When the time comes again for me to venture into the world of canine companion the behaviorist will be inline first, I will be working with a female and a puppy

from the beginning to be sure that everyone in the family is on the same page.

All dogs same rules is pack mentality,

humans have to understand that for harmony.

Dogs don't see size.

They see energy.

They look for balance.

In a pack a sick dog will be killed because it is out of balance,

there is no remorse, its done for the good of the pack.

If a dog is anxious, nippy, or nervous a pack will

correct it, if it can not correct it, they will kill it.

That is how dogs see the world.

Balance or lack of balance.

We humans need to remember that so that all of our dogs

in every city and state and park can be together

in peace and fun.

That is how energy works.

Our dogs are our mirrors.

When we understand that we can come a long way in dealing with our own

issues.

Let's Chat... to Reiki or not to Reiki???

 So Let's chat.

Did you know I once had a student for Reiki that

was not going to take the class

that her heart yearned for because her

employer didn't believe in it?

 I also have had multiple students bow out of classes

due to lack of partner and family 

belief and participation.

I have even had students that left their partner for

being closed minded about Reiki once a class was taken.

 Take a look at these photos.

That's my fiance!!

This was a moment that made me love her oodles,

do you want to know why?

She was doing her own brand of Qi Gong.

Not because she is trained, not because she is interested in it

(although she may be)

but because she has a pretty awesome sense of humor.

You see I don't require my partner to believe in

the things that I believe in.

My practice, belief, or dedication to anything is my business

it's not hers.

Love is patient and love is kind.

Love does not give ultimatums and fight over space.

Love is simply love,

IF 

you find yourself requiring your partner to like what you like, 

to do things your way,

to understand what you find important,

to think like you,

to act like you,

oooooops you need to clone yourself.

Who wants to be with someone that has all the same interests?

Who wants to be with a robot?

Who wants to live that kind of boring,

hum drum,

dull existence?

 If Reiki gets it up for you, take the class.

If your partner forbids it... darlings that isn't about Reiki that is about your

relationship.

If your partner does not understand what Reiki is,

why you are so into it,

or why on Earth you would waste your time...

smile sweetly and say gosh I just love it when you support my interests.

And at some point simply ask them if they would like to know more.

Sometimes people poke fun at things they do not

understand and are too embarrassed to ask about.

 Sadly some people still believe that asking questions means the same thing as being

dumb or stupid.  People do have Egos, good, bad, or indifferent

you will most likely meet the ego in the people that you feel

judge you.

You can take the bait and let your baggage talk to their baggage or

you can take the higher road and support yourself

by only talking to people that support your decisions in the beginning.

Remember you didn't choose your partner through the eyes of Reiki 

if you had, they would be with you on the Reiki train.

Requiring your partner to get on a new train that 

you want to ride is not only selfish,

it is pretty single-minded. It's like your partner signing you up to jump out of an 

airplane because they think it would be fun.

NOT!!!

 Sit down and feel this out folks.

would you want your partner to sign you up for 

boot camp fitness just because they think it is good for you?

AND

That they require you to go on the days of the weeks and times of the day

they deem appropriate?

Just imagine the things your partner may be thinking about your sudden interest in

something that doesn't seem to even be real or have any importance.

Just imagine what it would be like for a very grounded and scientifically minded individual to 

watch their lover holding their hands quietly over

someones body... possibly with their eyes closed.

It might be laughable! 

Heck I might even laugh at that.

 The next time that you get the bright idea to 

"do" Reiki in your home

or on your spouse to change the energy...

be aware they probably feel like everything is just fine.

They probably feel they are happy the way they are.

No one likes forced change.

AND 

My dears if you are focussing on your Partner because you think Reiki will

change your relationship...

OH YEAH Reiki will change your relationship;

you may encounter more distance, grumbling, and flat out disgust

about the things you are doing, the things you are

thinking about your partner and the space you share,

that creates war not peace.

You can not force Reiki or any belief on anyone for their own good or not!

Reiki is not the set for the boxing ring where you go to face off against your partner.

It's not about fight,

control,

blame,

or rigidity.

If your partner does not want to participate so what,

not everyone likes yard work, knitting, running, swimming,

dogs, cats, birds, or snakes.  

Not everyone cares about

becoming more healthy, thinking differently, or healing the world.

Seriously folks, thank goodness for that!

I can be good at what I do.

I'm a great Reiki facilitator for those that think it is important.

I am a pretty dang good cook and I am awesome at 

running a house hold, getting people fed, and teaching boundaries.

I'm great at loving people, decent at writing.

I have a great time teaching and doing Reiki.

I love learning and am passionate about my spirituality.

I adore my partner and doing things she likes gives me a great deal of happiness.

I also happen to be decent at reading energy, helping people find patterns that make them unhappy and unhealthy, and sometimes I can talk to the dead.

Does that mean my partner gets it?

Does it mean she is on board?

Does it mean we hold freaky deaky seances nightly?

No you guys, it doesn't.

We do laundry and housework, we watch movies and make dinner,

we clean, we walk dogs, we love eachother.

We even don't always understand eachother. 

Reality is that is about as normal as it gets and she knows if she

ever wants to really know about anything I do she can ask.

And if not that is ok too.

Give yourselves and your relationships a break.

Go ahead and love Reiki if you want to and let your family and partner love what they love.

Choose freedom and love every time!

Lola

It's taken me far too long to finally sit down and try to figure out how to write this.

 

 

I recently went to West Virginia to help take care of my

partner's grandmother who was 96, almost 97 years young!

 

 

 

None of us expected things to happen the way they did.

 

She declined rapidly and my partner and her family

lost a really sharp minded, stunning woman.

I was lucky enough to witness the

incredible love and connection of this

stupendously large family.

 

 

Lola was the youngest of 15 children 16 if you count a twin that passed at birth.

I was privileged to hear Lola look at an old photo and tell us

the history of each sibling.  I got to feel for the

first time in my life what it must be to have family roots.

The land we were on was tilled by the blood, sweat, and tears of the Christopher family.

Truly their heritage laid in the very soil I walked on.

I didn't have that kind of family history so it was pretty

incredible to hear the stories and be shown the places where the family

had worked, lived, and loved.

 

 

 

My partners aunt and her husband just lived down the road to give Lola

the opportunity to have assistance but to retain her

independence.  I realized as we shared her home in those last days how

important her independence was to her and how very much

her family loved her to try and keep that option

open to her.

 

 

By the end of this visit that was filled with the deep sadness of losing

their loved one there was also a rekindling of the fire of family in the hearts

and minds of those Lola was connected to and served in her life.

She loved animals and there were reminders of that everywhere I turned.

It's no wonder that my partner has the huge heart that she does,

her Grandmother meant everything to her.  I got pretty

good at being able to pick out Lola's siblings from old photos of family

reunions and remembering who was married to whom.

 

 

 

I did what I could to help the family out,

it's not always easy to know what to do in a situation like that.

What I do know is that the lessons

in love, patience, and connection I learned while

I was there may be some of the most important lessons I have

ever been so honored to learn.

Her funeral was held in a church that her own mother made sure

was built, and to Lola's credit the gentleman

conducting the service never had dry eyes.  I find myself wishing I had

a little more time with Lola to hear about the history of her family

and to see life through her eyes.

 

 

 

My love for the elders of our world started with my own grandmother

and it continued when I became a nurse.  I have literally spent

hundreds of hours listening to late night stories, having cookie

tea parties, and shed tears with the elders of the communities

I have lived in as I worked in elder care for 10 years.  I have watched at their

lives have been turned upside down by disease and lack of money, I have watched as they have

been sequestered to 12x10 foot spaces and made to share a room

with a complete stranger.

I have watched as their choices have dwindled in

front of their eyes, to the point that they may not even be allowed

to choose their own clothing or take their time with their own

care because staff is rushed to meet quotas.

I have watched as once powerful people have been shrunken down to what

other people choose for them.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that this was not Lola's experience,

nor was it my grandmothers. Hospice made sure of that.

This is the reason I have decided to go back to school and

further my nursing education.

I want to work on hospice cases and be certain people always retain their dignity and choices.

I will be forever grateful to my partner for trusting me enough to allow me to care for her loved one, and forever grateful that Lola reminded me where the heart of my career

lies.



I love the quote that says

"Live like someone left the gate open!"

I've had some interesting inquiries regarding how to use Reiki in personal relationships recently.

The thing I find the most interesting is that my answer doesn't 

immediately come from the Reiki precepts or the symbols, or even specific Reiki training.

My answer comes from the golden rule

My answer comes from years of personal work

My answer comes from forgiveness

My answer comes from understanding that behaviors good and not so good come from

previous personal experiences, 

we can not honestly know what has shaped people,

what they have been through, nor can we always expect them to understand

that they are being unkind; 

because...

the people we share our lives with are doing the best they can just like we are,

and if someone holds an attitude that says other people are not doing the best they can...

well; I challenge

those people to stop worrying about the actions of others and get real about

your own shortcomings, 

we all have them.

Using Reiki to assist personal relationship healing is a fabulous way

to help create harmony, peace, and increase loving partnerships.

Reiki can not be measured or quantified or defined, 

therefore its workings are limitless and boundless.

 

 

And I can not say enough about doing your own WORK!

Freedom comes not from stepping on people or needing to puff up our egos to feel

good about ourselves.   

Real freedom comes from looking

at all the ways that the EGO attempts to take front stage in relationships,

and understanding

that EGO causes the insanity that demands attention and having everything our own way.

 

 

We can't change anyone else...

Reiki is not the magic pill that we use on our family, friends, or partner to "fix"

them or us.  Reiki is a tool that helps us to find

balance within the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of ourselves.

What a gift!

If you have come to me asking how to stop griping at your loved ones, 

judging people, how to feel worthy of love,

how to not be in repeated relationships that belittle you...

YES!

Reiki can help you 

 

 

 

AND

 

 

 

there is not an easy pill or prescription or one time fix to these issues.

 

 

 

It takes discipline and daily attention to watch what it is in you that invites some

of these behaviors.  It takes always looking at ourselves first and then taking ACTION

to make changes and forgive all the reasons we act in ways we aren't

proud of.

And loving others means we don't arbitrarily assume they are terrible people

because they are exhibiting bad behavior.  We take a moment out of the emotional

junk long enough to remember we love this person, then we apply LOGIC

to the situation.

That doesn't mean lie down and take it, but it does mean

diffusing emotion, doing our work regarding how we feel about the issue, and then deciding

if it really is about the other person or not.

Projection is a huge weapon that can inflict unresolvable wounds.

My loves,

do your daily Reiki precepts,

be aware of your own thoughts and energy,

be responsible for your words and deeds,

understand words and attitudes do wound others,

find a balance between personal work and personal play,

be sure that if you are going to deal with an issue that it is truly worth it,

use your symbols,

especially your distance symbol

to work on memories and thoughts that cause you pain and stress;

and remember if your own mind is out of control with repeating thoughts, worry, repetative stress

that isn't your child's, lover's, friend's, or family's fault,

it is your own, because you are not doing what it takes to calm those

thoughts and behaviors; 

so don't take it out on other people and if you do slip up and wound someone

be very generous with apologies and

even more generous with getting your own stuff together.

There is no free ride in 

living a conscious, loving, incredible life.

If you want to 

"Live like someone left the gate open"

Get real, stop the behaviors, make ammends,

get to work on your personal stuff,

and ALWAYS choose love my dears,

ALWAYS 

choose love!

I don't know if I will ever get used to  the synchronicities that

come with living a conscious healing filled life.

I Learned Reiki In the year 2000, that has been 13 years ago.

I spent the past 4 to 5 years less involved with Reiki...

I really never thought that would happen.

What I didn't understand as I waded through the trials and tribulations of the last few years

was that I had been working so deeply with Reiki for so many years

to be a beacon of light to others, focussed outside of myself and on the healing of others

that in a large way I forgot me.

Even though I utilized Reiki in my daily life my teaching schedule slowed down considerably,

my focus was on survival and I didn't seem to be able to 

grasp much more than that.  All the while I asked myself in the dark recesses of my mind

when not even I was listening, what indeed was going on?

At this point in my evolution I have come to the understanding that if I am to offer myself

in service to the world I have to balance my own care even more carefully than I 

have in the past.

That there can indeed be no excuse and far less laziness involved in my life

toward my own care.

That means saying no

It means weighing what I spend my energy and time on,

and making sure it serves me and my family.

It means boundaries with friends and family,

It means getting straight with money, time, health, food, basically everything.

It means supporting myself in my own good and supporting

others in knowing that they are

handling their lives just fine!

We have to remind ourselves that our own lives are our business,

when I work with another person their healing is indeed their business, not mine.

Facillitating healing means that I offer what I can...

then I release.

Release my own thoughts, feelings, opinions regarding my clients.

That I do my own work and deal with my own short comings.

Not long after I was reminded of this I began doing Reiki sessions again,

I began coaching again, and recently

have done more massage than I have in a long time.

I feel my life becoming more balanced and I 

feel myself coming out of the survival attitude and actions into 

a more powerful self empowered awareness.

I suppose I needed to spend some time int he swamps so that when it

was time to emerge I would recognize at even

more deep and intimate levels the love and good available

to me.

Nothing but good comes of this,

and the lessons of application of Reiki and

consciousness toward our own lives

most likely will remain never ending for me.

I feel that I have somehow graduated to a more mature understanding of Reiki

maybe a more mature understanding of life...

Definitely a more mature love of my life.

I am thankful beyond belief for those that I find in my life, thankful for those that have moved on, and deeply thankful how My Creotor and Reiki show up in the faces and places in my life

to remind me of my own divinity and the need to 

be aware and awake in my life.

It's the only way I can truly be ready to serve another person!!!

Listen With Your Heart!

 Isn't it interesting how the moments of our lives fit together to make a unique tapestry that can either

tell the story of all the glorious and beautiful moments of a life

or

It can illustrate pain and delusion and loss

depending on where we focus our heart?

It has taken me years and years and hundreds of hours of introspection and 

therapy to loosen that hold on my mind

and I still catch myself defining myself by my pain at times.

Our society does that.

We aren't taught to come together in joy, health, and balance

by our mentors for the most part.

Many of us have been taught by family that has been molded by their

own tragedy's to be there for each other when something goes awry.

What about the rest of the time, 

even our schools teach about atrocity, suffering, genocide...

I understand the need to educate about these things,,

yet many of us were never even given a glimpse of an antenna to feel,

notice, or seek joy.

 This picture is one of my favorites, my sweetheart doesn't really understand why.

I think she looks introspective, a bit serious, as her

wonderful doggy looks on from the corner.

She's surrounded by her favorite place and

I love the way she seeks happiness in her life, even as the sun rises to meet her.

She truly is one of the most powerful people I have ever met.

I've had many people in my life, people that have inspired me, 

people I have learned from and learned because of...

and the woman in this picture may just

be my biggest hero.

Not because she is someone who studies sacred texts,

eats organic and sustainable, meditates 10 hours a day, or can turn

herself into a tasty pretzel doing yoga...

nope she doesn't do any of that (right now).

She may be my biggest hero because she looks for

the good, joy, and fun in each day.  Because she absolutely recognizes

her own limitations and is honest about them, and

because she chooses not to let them define her.

Because no matter what she has been through she has an ineffable

understanding of herself that says 

"I can do anything and everything I want to do and no one can stop me!"

She is my hero because she saves little tiny fluffball doggies

from the mean streets of Orlando, because

she brings home organic eggs for me,

because she is so certain of her love for me she is a formidable force

of steadfastness that I can anchor to.

Because she loves God and believes in Karma 

and makes no apologies for herself unless really necessary and

ALWAYS 

takes responsibility for her actions good and not so good.

 

Because she laughs at my serious side,

because she laughs at my worries,

because she sees who I am when I don't.

Mostly though She may be my hero

because I have become so much better at listening with my own heart.

So much better at forgiving myself and others,

so much more able to choose love over fear.

She is fearless is so much of who she is and how she meets the world,

I can only hope to learn some of that from her.

So to me no Guru, lama, spiritual teacher, or reverend has

a higher place in my mind or heart.

No spiritual teaching, no new process,

nothing to me is more Spiritual than watching my sweetheart

meet life and it's challenges raw and real everyday.

There is such beauty in someone

like her that sometimes 

I feel like my heart is growing bigger and bigger and

it may not be contained within me

any longer.

Below is how  I see her everyday.

It's how she meets the world and I am so incredibly

thankful to be a part of that.

Joy is a daily part of my life and I love that I can share that

with her and that she is so great at 

teaching me more!!

What if you were about to get everything you ever wanted?

What if you were about to get everything you ever wanted?

How would you live your life every day?

I'm about to get everything I have ever wanted.

Nope it isn't a million dollars... it's worth more than that.

It's not a mansion, it has way more space than that, and the view of my life is 

quite a bit more spectacular than any silly mansion view.

It's not a new convertable sports car...

I know they are fun to drive

but driving my Soul is far more fun for me.

It isn't piles of jewels,

eating at expensive resturants,

nor is it traveling to places all over the globe...

although that may actually be in 

the cards.

I am about to get everything I have ever wanted because

I already have it!

I know it sounds insane but I realized it just this morning.

My children have grown into incredible people and they are

maneuvering through their lives learning to be better people... 

that indeed is all I have ever wanted for them.

I already have a supportive spiritual community,

a community that has continued to embrace me even though I moved over an hour away.

I am stepping back into my spiritual studies which gladdens my heart

in a way nothing else can...

through those studies I become so much closer to our creator within my heart.

I have indeed found that people I thought were my friends

have slipped away, creating a clean slate for 

me to renew and deepen my resolve to surround myself with people of high moral fiber

and quality.

I will be working again with a group of people that I just love.

I am honored to be welcomed back into that family of people, and feel

truly blessed to share that space with them again.

I had to leave the St Cloud area to heal and learn,

and to realize that my life and the people I care most about are easily accessible to me more near Orlando.

It is time to be with the people that love, adore, and support me.

My grandson is born, what more can be said there except I will be 

much closer to him and his mom and dad and I will see him more often.

Last but certainly not least.

I have yearned for a love that time would lie down and lay still for...

my entire life this is the one thing I have wanted.

When I was younger I believed that somehow all sadness would be fixed by finding that

one person I was MEANT to be with.

My life path number is 6... for those of you that don't know exactly what that means

it is a numerology way of finding out the theme of your life.

Mine fits me to a T!

Life path number 6 is the path of the caretaker.

It's the path of the stay at  home mom and the cook and the lover of

other people's happiness.

It is also the path of lessons and decision making and learning that there are indeed limits

to what one person could or should do.

It is the path of the people pleaser... an out of balance people pleaser will end up sickly...

and here I am

dealing with fibromyalgia flare ups.

The good news:

I have been given a love that time will indeed lie down and stand still for...

not in the literal terms of standing truly still,

but more in the terms that the internal landscape of my

heart finally feels free to see the views of love that fill every cell of my body,

erupts into my mind dragging down the unkind words and concepts that took root

and grew into cancers that broke down my own self worth

for so many years.

I have spent many years hacking my way free of the briars of judgements

passed on by well meaning people who said they loved me.

The mansion of my heart has expanded with vaulted ceilings,

gorgeous hard wood floors and staircases that shine.

Sunlight that glistens and sparkles on every surface.

The freedom to express one's self and to be loving must be one of the greatest

gifts ever.

The love that has entered my life is not perfect, 

no thing really ever is.

It's honestly the spirit of trying and trying again that made me realize that

I do indeed have everything I have ever wanted.

I have been told I dont have to work... but I choose to.

I have been told to do what makes me happy... I do choose this 

and...

I also choose her happiness as well.

I have been told I am the one.

I believe that to be true, not because of predetermination

(although that may have something to do with it)

but because I choose to be the one each day.

The real fairytale

it's not in thinking someone is going to fix whats wrong or fill up some kind of hole within us.

The real fairytale is recognizing that someone of quality has chosen you

to make mistakes with, to share grief with, to

be broken with, to be vulnerable with.

The beauty and happiness and everything going well stuff is the bonus of

the relationships in our lives.

AND

when someone trusts you enough to tell you their fears,

to admit things to you that they have never ever felt before,

to spend special secret moments so dialed in

to you and your happiness and what you need,

to be willing to give to you more than they give to themselves even if only sometimes,

when someone does not agree with your decision but holds

you as you make it and vows love and support anyway,

to support your spiritual choices and views and not understand them even if it may scare them,

for someone to admit they dont understand but are earnest about being willing to try ...

My God!

 that is the love time will lie down and stay still for.

Because my heart will always beat brighter,

stronger, fueled with more fire, love, and passion for my life

and the life I am now sharing with my partner.

Willingness is the key,

if we are at least willing then anything can be solved.

All this time,

I didn't recognize...

I already have everything I have ever wanted.

Girl scout rule

This is Amos he lives at pather ridge here in florida and I can't wait to meet him.

This pic really has nothing to do with my post tonight,

I just think he is a sexy guy!

Tonight I'm going to be short and sweet.

There is a rule in the Girl Scouts that I have always found to be important.

It goes along with the golden rule for me, 

you know;

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

The girl scouts say to leave a space 

cleaner and better than when you found it.

this includes actual buildings and nature.

I love that concept.

To care whether someone else does or not.

When I was younger I really didn't understand that concept.

Now though,

through my path of spirituality and my

practice of Reiki and the 5 principles

I really understand the deep understanding of leaving a thing to the best of your

ability better than when you found it.

 

 

This means relationships too.

Too many people use their painful past as a reason to treat others 

in an unkind fashion.

I have come a very long way from the immature girl that used a 

sharp tongue and fists to communicate my displeasure with perceived enemies.

One of the greatest gifts of a daily Reiki practice is to

reach deep inside and make a choice to leave

someone's heart better than you found it.

To me this means my family, friends, and fellow humans.

Each time I feel the need to get angry or begin to feel frustrated

I do my best to find the place within me that can honor the other person.

Because by honoring the other person I am really

honoring myself.

It doesn't mean that I choose to be hurt or abused.

It just means that I am committed to turning the other cheek

and asking for healing for myself and the person in question.

I truly believe that God is watching in one form or another.

At the end of my life I want to be able to 

sit with God and anyone else near by and feel proud of the decisions I made

when it comes to the treatment of life.

Nature, animals, humans... 

everything really.

Did I choose to honor life as often as possible?

Did I choose to find compassion when I could?

Did I remember to see myself in that person and choose a different way to perceive my world?

Did I choose to honor the creator of everything even when someone

else might be acting in an unkind way toward me???

If I never learned anything else in my life perhaps for me this is the most

incredible spiritual lesson of all.

Feeling challenged to do the right thing even in the face of those who do not.

Which way do I choose?

How do I honor peace within my heart and support peace within the world???

How have I honored my own learning by my actions?

Just for today ...

I will not anger

I will not worry

I will do my job honestly

I will be thankful for my many blessings

I will be kind to all living things....

Usui Sensei did not add

when I feel like it, only when I am not tired, only when other people are nice to me...

it isn't a sometimes thing

it's an everyday all the time thing...

and it is a reminder that I am certainly not perfect!!

 

 

Namaste!!!

Letting go

 One thing I have always used this blog for is to use my own personal

experiences to illustrate how to use Reiki and other techniques during challenging times.

That sweet puppy is Elijah.

Eli was a fantastic wonderful boy who I enjoyed very very much.

Eli was also ill and recently he went to doggy heaven,

I still catch myself trying to get home to let him out,

then I realize he is with God.

And

I know he is also with me.

 A very important pattern in my life is my ability to again and again make some really

tough decisions, to let go of people that are unable to  be

a positive influence in my life.

Setting boundaries for loved ones is not simple, it is not always cut and dry, and it is

truly the most incredible lesson in intimate self care that I have really ever experienced.

We all have loved and lost.

We have lived and even felt as though with the loss of loved ones that we have died a little.

Loss is one of the most meaningful character building experiences that a person can have.

We can be dragged down under the weight of it and drown in the pain,

or we can somehow make a choice to find a speck of light and focus on it.

Recently I began to feel shame regarding the many experiences I have had in my life that have 

ended in loss, loss of innocence, loss of identity, loss of strength, and due to some of those experiences

such confusion that I was really unable to understand or feel that I had the ability to choose.

I was a good girl and did what I was told, believed what I was told, and never questioned if I should listen.

I have not felt shame about my past in years.  

I have come to understandings that have led me to understand why some people do suffer life experiences

such as I have had,

and how successfully moving through them creates love, patience, and understanding for those

who have had similar experiences.

 I am completely humbled by the gift the Elijah has given me to once again

face reality and to choose the best and highest good for him and for me.

To feel certain it was the right thing to do.

Some people can not accept that somethings must be done,

some people would make different decisions,

that is OK too.

This short life Eli shared with me taught me so much about love and acceptance.

His departure from this dimension caused me to search for even deeper faith,

challenged my faith,

and allowed me to feel deep and hidden shame for the parts of my past that are yet unhealed.

How does this have anything to do with Reiki?

Again... for me everything has to do with Reiki.

With judgement, especially judgement from loved ones can come pain.

The confusing thing is that we make an error and think that the loved one is trying to hurt us.

Often we stay confused and hurt about it and never look deeper.

I have been practicing and learning from Reiki for 13 years now.

I have learned through daily application,

through persistence,

through self challenge that rarely is the surface thought the real issue.

Through allowing Eli to rest and through 

releasing people from my life and inviting others in

the past 3 months have really cut deeply into the other layers of

my psyche that were not ready to heal.

What I now know is that living the way someone else thinks I should is an error.

I have learned that the pattern of being a good girl still exists within me and deserves some healing attention.

I have learned that other people don't have to understand me, it's not a requirement.

I am re-learning that judgement is a form of abuse and I do not have to tolerate it in my life.

I have awakened to my own power... not as a mother, or a friend, or a lover

but simply as a human.

I have re-committed myself to Reiki, teaching, and learning.

I have re-committed to myself before anyone or anything else.

This is a fundamental and precious honor I do myself.

Reiki functions as the back bone and as the laser scalpel that slices deeply

into the very things that must be healed to be whole and to 

serve myself and my community.

It is with this deepest work that I truly honor

myself,

my partner,

my children,

my grandchildren,

my mother,

my ancestors,

my family,

my friends,

and

my loved ones in Spirit.

Being broken is the easy part,

finding courage to stand up to all the ghosts that made you feel broken

that's the true meaning of

Wholeness, strength, and fortitude.

Namaste!